Sometime I’m sick of be alone. I also wish there is someone for me to spend time with, cuddle with and do all sort of things that a couple will do.
In other time, I do feel good having own time, spending my time alone doing all sorts of things alone, like going to watch a movie alone or spend time alone drinking coffee in a café. During that time, I will feel like, I do love to live alone as I can stay away from common arguments that every couple will have.
To be true, there are only puppy loves in my life before. That’s why I have a mix feeling towards relationships. It can either be troublesome or happy case to me.
Once being in love, I always make initiative moves. Being the first to call, being the first to sms, being the first to meet him. According to all those love expertise, a woman cannot be too initiative as it will make woman looks invaluable. But that’s me. I also don’t know why I behaved like that, and as results, three relationships ended.
I do like the first guy, However, based on his behaviour & background, I know that we cannot last long. I’d dumped him.
The second guy, we have many similar personalities. Maybe because he & I are born on same date, same month and same year. He dumped me with a very lousy lame excuse, “I’m too busy with my assignments”. He’s the one who gave me the experience whereby I cried & laughed on the moment he wanted to end the relationship.
The third guy, he is younger than me one year. He’s cute, with a fair pinky face and small eyes like Japanese. But, it also ended up I dumped him, because he rather watch anime & cooking at home than come over to find me during his off day.
These three guys said a same thing to me before in sms: “Can you be my gf? If cannot, then never mind”
I think maybe of those words, “if cannot, then never mind” makes an important hints that this relationship won’t last long. But, the “me” during that time is too happy that there is someone who likes me. That’s why I didn’t think much and accepted them.
Can I say I’m a failure?
Mummy and sisters always asked me to join those “friendship camps”. However, I’ve not interested.
The feelings of waiting someone’s call, message or why he did not cares much on me makes me feel very tired. But when I see couples walking on the streets, having fun on special occasions, I do envy them.
Sometime I do have few guys around me that I think suits me. But they are either has girlfriend either before I meet them or after I meet them.
I’m tired of having crush here and there. It makes me looks stupid with those uneasy gestures and thinking of mine.
The lonely become either thoughtful or empty - Mason Cooley
